Tip 1
Please do not get kidnapped! Keep your money hidden well and pretend to be Canadian since they arent hated like us ugly Americans. Don't go out without another person. You are too handsome and might get kidnapped for your looks alone. If all else fails pinch people under the arm like Omi does when she lepta robbed. It is even better than a punch to the head.More tips to follow.
I'm telling you the pinch under the arm is a killer especially if they are waiting for a punch. They will scream like a girl and then you can head butt them
Okay David.
Tip #2:
Wear really good grip tennis shoes. No sandals. If you need to run you will thank me since those cobblestones can be Hell if someone is if pursuit of you. Yell something like "I am a Catholic Canadan- me to the Pope" to possibly distract them. You might also yell out " Look those ugly Amanda Knox loving Americans are trying to kill me!" remember to run towards crowds for help. If there are a bunch of American tourists drop the ugly American line and just shriek loudly.Also - what exactly do you know about your fathers work at Washington Beef? He seems to keep very weird hours?
Tip 3
Okay I Started thinking about pickpockets and I am sorry to say this, but the Spanish and Italians have it down to an art form. Nothing personal, but they aren't all good Roman Catholics over there. Do you have a money belt?I would get a money belt and keep your valuables with you at all times. If you are in a hostel take it with you even in the shower. You can hang it up over the shower- or bring a plastic bag.
If you don't want a money belt then clip a small cloth bag to your inner waistband of your pants or underwear. This is no time to go commando!
If you are in a crowd be careful of being jostled. Some of those non practicing Roman Catholics work as teams to get into your backpacks or bags. A couple of them will block the way when people are disembarking a train, bus or whatever. This causes the line to stop and people bump into you. That is when another non practicing Roman Catholic unzips your backpack and makes off with your important belongings and possibly your new plastic molded souvenir pope figurine purchased with your hard earned lira. The tip for this is to keep your backpack or bag locked. A plastic twist tie is even helpful since they won't have time to undo it
You probably think you are too cool for a plastic twist tie, but what is uncooler? Losing your belongings, plastic pope or having a funky twist tie on your backpack? It's your choice, but I always go with NOT losing my stuff. I mean who cares if a plastic tie is uncool. So a thieving non practicing Roman Catholic thinks it is uncool is of huge consequence - so what? THEY aren't your friends!
Tip 4
Which also reminds me. Go get copies made of all your documents in case they get stolen or lost. It will help immensely if you have these when you go to the consulate for replacements. When you go to the consulate they will know you didn't heed my twisty tie advice. Now that could be embarrassing. I can hear it now."yeah we have some supposedly too cool guy claiming to be a David Buchanan who thought the twisty idea was stupid out there. Yeah we guess we know who is the uncool one now since he no longer has a passport"
Do you want that kind of embarrassment in your own American Consulate? I think not! Ask Aunt Kriss for some twisty ties today!
Lol. I bought locks for my bags.
You know Aunt Tess told me she cried when she told you good-bye. I am actually SOBBING as I write these tips. Just so ya know about caring versus real CARING
Tip 5
Well it looks like you are pretty smart about this travel thing. How about this
though? Do you have a code word?
If you get kidnapped you will need to scratch it into the wall with your fingernail so we can follow your trail. It can be a short word since scratching a long word could be laborious and hard on your nails. I know for a FACT that this can be a lifesaver since I saw it on TV in the show "Missing" staring Ashley Judd.
Make it simple. An X could be perfect. It could symbolize you had been there and also stand for a kiss
Oh perfect! Val is a good one. Don't tell your mother and especially Tess. They might get all sensitive and that could interfere in our efforts to track you down.
They would be whining about NOT having their names as the code instead of focusing on your retrieval.
That's what I am talking about! Kriss is an expert in these matters as well! She has been to Italy and knows about espionage.
Gary is not really who she has led you to believe, but keep that on the downlow for now. Apparently he fakes that accent, is English and doesn't need glasses. Pretty sure he packs heat too. If you do get kidnapped don't be surprised if he shows up too.
I was just thinking about "travelers tummy." Unfortunately it happens and as we call it it our home Die-da-ria.This may a bit sensitive, but think of me a your auntie nurse. Diarrhea or Squaraus, if you wish to go native, is an unfortunate occurrence for 20-50% of travelers in Italy. There are some precautions you may take to prevent unnecessary Squaraus - not that I can think of times that Squaraus might be necessary or enjoyable. Only drink bottled water.
Remember ice is not added to drinks. Don't ask for ice. Who knows which canal those cubes came from. Fresh fruits an vegetables? Peel and do it yourself.
I am thinking there is a lot of wine drinking for a reason in Italy.
Oh another thought - remember that olive oil and wine are "natural laxatives" so be a bit judicious about going crazy with a lot if olive oil infused dishes and washing them down with more wine than necessary.
Scope out where the bathrooms are since there aren't many public ones in the smaller areas. A big tip is that public bars BY LAW have to let you use the facilities. Just act nonchalant and walk in. So what if they get annoyed - when you gotta go, you gotta go. Try to walk like a Canadian, now is not the time for gangsta walking. It won't help that you are taller than 99%of the Italians so low profile is something you will need to be mindful to effect.
I would bring some over the counter immodium and motrin (ibuprofen) since it will be handy if you do get Squamaus, fall Ill or just plain fall and pull a muscle. Being under threat of kidnapping and thievery in a "supposedly" Catholic country is enough of a worry without having to factor in Squamous and headaches.
I forgot to bring up gypsies.
Omi used to say the only warnings she had as a kid was being careful not to get kidnapped by a gypsy. There probably should have been stronger warnings about the Nazis, but that is another conversation. At any rate there are Gypsies all over Europe and after watching PBS and TLC on television I had a new impression of these people. They are very family oriented and very Catholic - as exhibited by the ginormous first communion dresses costing thousands that their little girls wear. There is much discrimination about these people, but as usual a couple of bad apples always ruin it for everyone.
In Spain be aware if you hear any speeding mopeds or motorbikes. Supposedly young gypsy men will ride up behind you and grab your bag. I think it isn't just Gypsies that do this though? Also they say gypsies will wander into unlocked homes and rip you off. I believe we call that burglary or home invasion here. Anyway Spain is supposed to have less crime than any European country, except Portugal, so you may be okay. Please avoid Basque extremists though if at all possible. I won't explain, so just trust me on this one
Italian gypsies are treated very badly in Italy. They aren't allowed to work or get housing. That may be why Rome is known as the gypsy kid pickpocketing center. Poor things are forced by economic hardship to prey on unsuspecting tourists. Still that isn't your cause to pick up at this time. ( do that safely from afar on some gypsy relief organization checked out by Snopes). Your job is to keep away from anyone under 21 in Rome. This is not the time to get friendly with anyone unless they look like the pope and are surrounded by a bunch of Swiss Guardsman. I sincerely doubt that will happen anyway so don't get your hopes up and plan on that happening.
With the possibility of being kidnapped, robbed and contracting Squamaus you are going to have to be pretty hyperalert on this trip. I don't know how you are even going to enjoy yourself? Tonight I will watch another episode of "Missing" to see if I can get any other tips. Last night the mother ended up in France searching for her son getting into motorboat races involving stolen diamonds and getting shot at. The son appears to be locked up in some Slavic looking place. He is obviously going to fail his architecture classes after being kidnapped so the whole education plan in Italy is a huge bust.
The mother keeps saying things like "I am not CIA, I am a mother looking for her son!". Your mother will probably say something like "just take my PTA membership away from me and give me back my son!" Not quite the same impact, but I don't see her asking to trade Jon or Jordan for you. Sorry reality might hurt there, but I am just keeping it real for you. So it looks like you need to be extra aware of evil forces around you.
I am still not so sure about WHAT is going on at Washington Beef so let's see how it plays out with your father. (if he IS your father)
A code word for what?
If you get kidnapped you will need to scratch it into the wall with your fingernail so we can follow your trail. It can be a short word since scratching a long word could be laborious and hard on your nails. I know for a FACT that this can be a lifesaver since I saw it on TV in the show "Missing" staring Ashley Judd.
Make it simple. An X could be perfect. It could symbolize you had been there and also stand for a kiss
Ok. Code word is VAL. All straight lines.
Oh perfect! Val is a good one. Don't tell your mother and especially Tess. They might get all sensitive and that could interfere in our efforts to track you down.
They would be whining about NOT having their names as the code instead of focusing on your retrieval.
Ok. It's was aunt kris' idea.
That's what I am talking about! Kriss is an expert in these matters as well! She has been to Italy and knows about espionage.
Gary is not really who she has led you to believe, but keep that on the downlow for now. Apparently he fakes that accent, is English and doesn't need glasses. Pretty sure he packs heat too. If you do get kidnapped don't be surprised if he shows up too.
I was just thinking about "travelers tummy." Unfortunately it happens and as we call it it our home Die-da-ria.This may a bit sensitive, but think of me a your auntie nurse. Diarrhea or Squaraus, if you wish to go native, is an unfortunate occurrence for 20-50% of travelers in Italy. There are some precautions you may take to prevent unnecessary Squaraus - not that I can think of times that Squaraus might be necessary or enjoyable. Only drink bottled water.
Remember ice is not added to drinks. Don't ask for ice. Who knows which canal those cubes came from. Fresh fruits an vegetables? Peel and do it yourself.
I am thinking there is a lot of wine drinking for a reason in Italy.
Tip 6
Oh another thought - remember that olive oil and wine are "natural laxatives" so be a bit judicious about going crazy with a lot if olive oil infused dishes and washing them down with more wine than necessary.
Scope out where the bathrooms are since there aren't many public ones in the smaller areas. A big tip is that public bars BY LAW have to let you use the facilities. Just act nonchalant and walk in. So what if they get annoyed - when you gotta go, you gotta go. Try to walk like a Canadian, now is not the time for gangsta walking. It won't help that you are taller than 99%of the Italians so low profile is something you will need to be mindful to effect.
I would bring some over the counter immodium and motrin (ibuprofen) since it will be handy if you do get Squamaus, fall Ill or just plain fall and pull a muscle. Being under threat of kidnapping and thievery in a "supposedly" Catholic country is enough of a worry without having to factor in Squamous and headaches.
Tip 7
I forgot to bring up gypsies.
Omi used to say the only warnings she had as a kid was being careful not to get kidnapped by a gypsy. There probably should have been stronger warnings about the Nazis, but that is another conversation. At any rate there are Gypsies all over Europe and after watching PBS and TLC on television I had a new impression of these people. They are very family oriented and very Catholic - as exhibited by the ginormous first communion dresses costing thousands that their little girls wear. There is much discrimination about these people, but as usual a couple of bad apples always ruin it for everyone.
In Spain be aware if you hear any speeding mopeds or motorbikes. Supposedly young gypsy men will ride up behind you and grab your bag. I think it isn't just Gypsies that do this though? Also they say gypsies will wander into unlocked homes and rip you off. I believe we call that burglary or home invasion here. Anyway Spain is supposed to have less crime than any European country, except Portugal, so you may be okay. Please avoid Basque extremists though if at all possible. I won't explain, so just trust me on this one
Italian gypsies are treated very badly in Italy. They aren't allowed to work or get housing. That may be why Rome is known as the gypsy kid pickpocketing center. Poor things are forced by economic hardship to prey on unsuspecting tourists. Still that isn't your cause to pick up at this time. ( do that safely from afar on some gypsy relief organization checked out by Snopes). Your job is to keep away from anyone under 21 in Rome. This is not the time to get friendly with anyone unless they look like the pope and are surrounded by a bunch of Swiss Guardsman. I sincerely doubt that will happen anyway so don't get your hopes up and plan on that happening.
With the possibility of being kidnapped, robbed and contracting Squamaus you are going to have to be pretty hyperalert on this trip. I don't know how you are even going to enjoy yourself? Tonight I will watch another episode of "Missing" to see if I can get any other tips. Last night the mother ended up in France searching for her son getting into motorboat races involving stolen diamonds and getting shot at. The son appears to be locked up in some Slavic looking place. He is obviously going to fail his architecture classes after being kidnapped so the whole education plan in Italy is a huge bust.
The mother keeps saying things like "I am not CIA, I am a mother looking for her son!". Your mother will probably say something like "just take my PTA membership away from me and give me back my son!" Not quite the same impact, but I don't see her asking to trade Jon or Jordan for you. Sorry reality might hurt there, but I am just keeping it real for you. So it looks like you need to be extra aware of evil forces around you.
I am still not so sure about WHAT is going on at Washington Beef so let's see how it plays out with your father. (if he IS your father)
OK - while I am somewhat abused in this paranoid load of tips....I'll just add that acting super crazy can scare criminals away too. There is no way kidnappers are going to want a 6' 4" mouth frothing, body convulsing, arm flailing, pants-pooping victim of turrets, on their hands for 13 episodes (or however long "Missing" is on - or your trip is complete....
ReplyDeleteohhh...pants-pooping is always a good idea!
ReplyDelete